Breakups- The During

We've all heard this:

But no one tells you what happens if you break up. You lose a boyfriend and best friend, two birds have been killed with one stone. And that shit hurts.

Your confidant, your go-to, your partner in crime, your lover and healer, is gone. You feel lost, sad, and angry. Darkness clouds you, crying becomes second nature, and you start to wonder when will it ever end. There's a hole in your chest that nothing can fill. No amount of self-help books, quotes,  or Beyonce songs can make the pain go away. Your nights are spent sobbing, crying until you start to cough, eyes burning from rubbing them too much, eventually you bury your face in a pillow to muffle your pained crying. And this is how you fall asleep.

You wake up the next morning puffy eyed, stuffy nose, and empty. You try eating, but just as you raise the spoon to your lips it hits you- the memories. You cry into your breakfast, you cry on your way out the door, and you have a breakdown at work when a song that reminds you of him comes on. You're a fragile mess, a shell of what once was a human being, he left and took all of you with him. 

You don't know how to put yourself together because he was the one who helped pick up the pieces and mend you when something went wrong. He was the one who would wipe your tears away and tell you everything was going to be okay. But this time it's different. He caused the pain, he caused the hurt, you can't turn to your best friend because he was your best friend. Now comes the hard part, relying on yourself to pick up the broken pieces and put them together. 

It's not going to be easy, it's going to be hard and hurt like hell. You're going to have to detangle yourself from him- the memories, gifts, text messages, social media- everything. Grow through the pain. Take it day by day, do things that make you happy, pick up a new hobby, spend time with those who bring joy to your life. You are you, a wonderful human being who was whole before she met him. Reconnect with her, become a better version of who you used to be. The strong, independent, intelligent woman who will emerge from this negative situation cannot wait to meet you. 

5 Things Girls Are Tired Of Hearing

1. You don't know how to cook?

First off all middle aged woman who looks disgusted with my lack of cooking skills, it's 2017 and Seamless exists. Knowing how to cook won't get me far unless I A) Want to be a world renowned chef or B) WANT TO BE A WORLD RENOWNED CHEF! Potential employers won't be impressed with my killer frittata making skills or that I even know what a quiche is, they won't look at me and say "You didn't go to med school but your Fettuccine Alfredo is to die for! You're hired! We need you to perform an open heart surgery tomorrow." No! I may not know how to cook but I can Google "healthy restaurants near me" and that's pretty much the same thing.

2. Did your boyfriend say you could go?

Let's get one thing straight, you're my boyfriend NOT my father. I do not need permission to go out, see my friends, or your approval on which outfits I can and cannot wear. Yes, I will respect your feelings but I will not let you make decisions for me.

3. You can't because you're a girl.

Being a girl isn't a weakness, it doesn't and shouldn't automatically put us at a disadvantage. Oh, I can't take that man down in court? Watch me go Legally Blonde on his ass. I can't play soccer? Excuse me while I channel my inner Mia Hamm. Basketball is a man's sport? Boy please, don't make me dunk on your whole existence with the force of a thousand Lisa Leslie's. We can do anything ten times better than you and look fierce AF while doing it too.

4. Girls don't talk like that.

Fuck off, asshat! Oh,  I'm sorry, are those words not supposed to come out of my perfectly lined red lips? Would you rather me be seen and not heard? Here, why don't you show me where in the Constitution does it say that women need to speak and act a certain way. Couldn't find one, huh? Accept it, there are days when I'm going to get pissed off and tell you to eat a bag of dicks- not every word coming from my mouth is going to be sweet. I'm human and swear words are alluring, is that a crime?

5. You have to watch your figure.

There are people who are dying in this world and the thing you want me to worry about is my figure? So what if I gain a little extra weight, there are worst things in this world that can happen. A woman should not be judged solely on looks, her weight does not determine her value, and to comment on it is rude. Women are beautiful, regardless of their figure.

How To Be The Ex-Girlfriend From Hell

1. Call him by a different name

No better way to crush a man's ego than by calling him a different name. So what if you dated Jim for 2 years, call him Mark, Jake, whatever floats your boat, and watch his face drop. He broke your heart so you forgot his name, and to be honest, that pales in comparison to him cheating on you with his trampy co-worker Alicia. Go ahead, make his ass feel irrelevant, call him Greg.

2. Stay tight with his family

Just because the two of you are over doesn't mean you and his family are. When his sweet mom invites you to family dinners and outings (which she will, because you're a charming ball of delight) show up with your new boyfriend. Turn up the "I'm so in love with my man" act in front of your ex, compliment his mother, get your boyfriend to help her set the dinner table, share horror stories about your ex, then look at him, laugh, and say "whoops, forgot you were here." Congrats on having created his own personal hell.

3. Be shady AF

Yes, you are the best there ever was and anyone after you is a downgrade, but he will get a new girlfriend. This does not mean you stop ruining his life. Honey, if anything, it gives you more material to work with. Now you can throw shade at her too. So, next time you run into your ex and his new girl, simply stare at her and in your best Regina George voice say "Wearing pajamas in public [pause, look her up and down] how brave," regardless of what she is wearing. Let her know that her style ain't shit. Then walk away like the badass bitch that you are.

4. Make your #TBT posts about him

And no, I don't mean it in the reminiscing, sweet, I-miss-what-we-had way, bitch you have to be petty about it. Post a picture of the two of you and caption it "Throwback to the time when I dated this fuckboy. Why didn't anyone stop me? #gross #cheater #HopeSheWasWorthIt #MinuteMan" Then, for the finishing touch, tag him in it. Voila!

5. Hookup with his best friend

Be like Nike and JUST DO IT! So what if  his best friend is a 2 when you're sober?! Drink some vodka and it'll bump him up to a solid 5! Beer goggles honey, beer goggles! Bonus points if his best friend happens to be his roommate. That means you get to have loud sex while your ex listens in the other room. There is no better revenge than that.

An Open Letter To His Girlfriend

I don't know you. I don't know your name, what you look like, how you take your coffee, whether you're a morning or night person- I don't know anything about you. I do, however, know your boyfriend.

I met him a few months ago at work. He came up to me, introduced himself, and said I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. And I, of course, was flattered that a man as handsome as he was interested in me.

He started to visit me at work on a daily basis and would pop up and surprise me on his days off. His visits made me happy. The laughing, touching, and flirting increased as the days passed. Our chemistry was electrifying!

So it was no surprise that I gave him my number when he asked for it. He told me not to message him at night, and that's when the red flags came up. "Do you have a girlfriend?" I asked, "Because if you do I don't want to get involved."

He looked up from his phone, grinned, and said "I do have a girlfriend but why should that matter? Just because I'm in a relationship doesn't mean I can't have fun with you."

The minute those words left his lips all feelings I had for him were gone, and instead, were replaced with repulsion and disgust. Had I known he was in a relationship I wouldn't have entertained him. Please know that after he told me you existed I cut all contact with him. I told him to leave me alone because I was not interested in seeing a man who had a girlfriend.

He stayed away for a month. I was relieved. December came and so did he. Again, he turned the charm on and asked if I was interested in sleeping with him. I asked if he was still seeing you. He said yes but wanted me to hear him out.

"I have a girlfriend but I want you so badly. We can text through WhatsApp that way she won't be able to read any of our messages. If you want to hookup we can do it at my place when she's not home, but you have to moan quietly so no one hears you. The things I want to do with you...just please, forget about her," he said.

Know that I did not do anything with him and turned him away both times and will turn him away again if he comes back. I wish I knew who you were so I could personally warn you about the man you are dating. You deserve to be with a man who has eyes for no one but you, who cherishes you, and treats you like the jewel that you are. I am sure I'm not the first woman he has tried to cheat on you with and I know I won't be the last.

Dear whoever you are, know that I respect relationships and would never hurt another because of lust. I am not a home wrecker, nor do I want to be one. Beautiful Woman, you deserve so much more.

He does not respect you, he does not value your relationship, he does not deserve you. You can do better.