How To Be The Ex-Girlfriend From Hell

1. Call him by a different name

No better way to crush a man's ego than by calling him a different name. So what if you dated Jim for 2 years, call him Mark, Jake, whatever floats your boat, and watch his face drop. He broke your heart so you forgot his name, and to be honest, that pales in comparison to him cheating on you with his trampy co-worker Alicia. Go ahead, make his ass feel irrelevant, call him Greg.

2. Stay tight with his family

Just because the two of you are over doesn't mean you and his family are. When his sweet mom invites you to family dinners and outings (which she will, because you're a charming ball of delight) show up with your new boyfriend. Turn up the "I'm so in love with my man" act in front of your ex, compliment his mother, get your boyfriend to help her set the dinner table, share horror stories about your ex, then look at him, laugh, and say "whoops, forgot you were here." Congrats on having created his own personal hell.

3. Be shady AF

Yes, you are the best there ever was and anyone after you is a downgrade, but he will get a new girlfriend. This does not mean you stop ruining his life. Honey, if anything, it gives you more material to work with. Now you can throw shade at her too. So, next time you run into your ex and his new girl, simply stare at her and in your best Regina George voice say "Wearing pajamas in public [pause, look her up and down] how brave," regardless of what she is wearing. Let her know that her style ain't shit. Then walk away like the badass bitch that you are.

4. Make your #TBT posts about him

And no, I don't mean it in the reminiscing, sweet, I-miss-what-we-had way, bitch you have to be petty about it. Post a picture of the two of you and caption it "Throwback to the time when I dated this fuckboy. Why didn't anyone stop me? #gross #cheater #HopeSheWasWorthIt #MinuteMan" Then, for the finishing touch, tag him in it. Voila!

5. Hookup with his best friend

Be like Nike and JUST DO IT! So what if  his best friend is a 2 when you're sober?! Drink some vodka and it'll bump him up to a solid 5! Beer goggles honey, beer goggles! Bonus points if his best friend happens to be his roommate. That means you get to have loud sex while your ex listens in the other room. There is no better revenge than that.

An Open Letter To His Girlfriend

I don't know you. I don't know your name, what you look like, how you take your coffee, whether you're a morning or night person- I don't know anything about you. I do, however, know your boyfriend.

I met him a few months ago at work. He came up to me, introduced himself, and said I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. And I, of course, was flattered that a man as handsome as he was interested in me.

He started to visit me at work on a daily basis and would pop up and surprise me on his days off. His visits made me happy. The laughing, touching, and flirting increased as the days passed. Our chemistry was electrifying!

So it was no surprise that I gave him my number when he asked for it. He told me not to message him at night, and that's when the red flags came up. "Do you have a girlfriend?" I asked, "Because if you do I don't want to get involved."

He looked up from his phone, grinned, and said "I do have a girlfriend but why should that matter? Just because I'm in a relationship doesn't mean I can't have fun with you."

The minute those words left his lips all feelings I had for him were gone, and instead, were replaced with repulsion and disgust. Had I known he was in a relationship I wouldn't have entertained him. Please know that after he told me you existed I cut all contact with him. I told him to leave me alone because I was not interested in seeing a man who had a girlfriend.

He stayed away for a month. I was relieved. December came and so did he. Again, he turned the charm on and asked if I was interested in sleeping with him. I asked if he was still seeing you. He said yes but wanted me to hear him out.

"I have a girlfriend but I want you so badly. We can text through WhatsApp that way she won't be able to read any of our messages. If you want to hookup we can do it at my place when she's not home, but you have to moan quietly so no one hears you. The things I want to do with you...just please, forget about her," he said.

Know that I did not do anything with him and turned him away both times and will turn him away again if he comes back. I wish I knew who you were so I could personally warn you about the man you are dating. You deserve to be with a man who has eyes for no one but you, who cherishes you, and treats you like the jewel that you are. I am sure I'm not the first woman he has tried to cheat on you with and I know I won't be the last.

Dear whoever you are, know that I respect relationships and would never hurt another because of lust. I am not a home wrecker, nor do I want to be one. Beautiful Woman, you deserve so much more.

He does not respect you, he does not value your relationship, he does not deserve you. You can do better.