You Are Not Entitled To A Blowjob

Entitled- believing oneself to be inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.

Entitled. That's how he felt after he had given me my first kiss. He felt he was "entitled to a blowjob" because he had "taken time out of his busy schedule" to kiss me underneath the high school staircase. While we were kissing he took my hand, placed it over his pants, and asked me if I would suck it for him. I told him no, pushed him away, and headed to my Italian class. 

He then proceeded to text me paragraph after paragraph on how I wasted his time. He kept repeating how I should have given him a blowjob because he cut class to see me, his student council president title could have been taken away, and -here is the kicker- how lucky I was that he had chosen me out of all the girls who wanted him. I blocked him and told him to have a nice life.

For some reason, men believe if they take a girl out on a date she should give him a blowjob. (this applies to some men, not all) In what world does that make sense? Okay, we went out for a couple of drinks, you offered to pick up the tab, you offered to drive me home, and now to reciprocate I have to suck your dick? Fuck you! When did blowjobs become the new goodnight kiss?

What's worse, is when we refuse to give a BJ, we are immediately made to feel bad. Men become upset, call us offensive names, and some even try and force us to partake in the act (this is considered sexual assault and should be reported).

I went on a date once with an Italian soccer player who I believed was the sweetest guy in the world. He held doors open for me, pulled out my chair, made me laugh, picked up the tab, and seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. After dinner we went back to his place for some drinks. He played a few of my favorite tracks, we danced to Spanish music, and that's when he leaned in to kiss me. He then unzipped his pants, asked me to get on my knees, and suck him down. I pushed him away and told him no. He got mad and said "So, you're just going to leave me here with my dick hanging out? You're such a bitch. I might as well take you home." Had Uber or Lyft been around during this time I would have taken an one home but because it was midnight and I didn't drive, I accepted the ride.

The drive home consisted of him listing off reasons as to why I should've gone done on him, how much of a bitch I was, and if I enjoyed being a prude. I blocked his number and never heard from him again. Fast forward 3 years later, he adds me on Snapchat, sends me a shirtless pic with a message that reads "Hey, remember me? Are you still a prude or are you ready to have some fun [winky face]" I didn't respond. Not worth my time.

Am I saying never give head? No! What men need to realize and understand is that blowjobs are acts done out of free will. A woman is not obligated to go down on you, nowhere in the dating handbook does it say you are entitled to one sexual favor every time you spend money on her, and, most importantly No means NO. You have no right to insult me, curse at me, or even yell at me because I do not give you head. My value does not decrease because I did not let you have your way with me. Just like men, we have freedom of choice, and our choosing not to give you oral is not something you have to like, but something you do have to respect. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Breakups- The During

We've all heard this:

But no one tells you what happens if you break up. You lose a boyfriend and best friend, two birds have been killed with one stone. And that shit hurts.

Your confidant, your go-to, your partner in crime, your lover and healer, is gone. You feel lost, sad, and angry. Darkness clouds you, crying becomes second nature, and you start to wonder when will it ever end. There's a hole in your chest that nothing can fill. No amount of self-help books, quotes,  or Beyonce songs can make the pain go away. Your nights are spent sobbing, crying until you start to cough, eyes burning from rubbing them too much, eventually you bury your face in a pillow to muffle your pained crying. And this is how you fall asleep.

You wake up the next morning puffy eyed, stuffy nose, and empty. You try eating, but just as you raise the spoon to your lips it hits you- the memories. You cry into your breakfast, you cry on your way out the door, and you have a breakdown at work when a song that reminds you of him comes on. You're a fragile mess, a shell of what once was a human being, he left and took all of you with him. 

You don't know how to put yourself together because he was the one who helped pick up the pieces and mend you when something went wrong. He was the one who would wipe your tears away and tell you everything was going to be okay. But this time it's different. He caused the pain, he caused the hurt, you can't turn to your best friend because he was your best friend. Now comes the hard part, relying on yourself to pick up the broken pieces and put them together. 

It's not going to be easy, it's going to be hard and hurt like hell. You're going to have to detangle yourself from him- the memories, gifts, text messages, social media- everything. Grow through the pain. Take it day by day, do things that make you happy, pick up a new hobby, spend time with those who bring joy to your life. You are you, a wonderful human being who was whole before she met him. Reconnect with her, become a better version of who you used to be. The strong, independent, intelligent woman who will emerge from this negative situation cannot wait to meet you. 

An Open Letter To His Girlfriend

I don't know you. I don't know your name, what you look like, how you take your coffee, whether you're a morning or night person- I don't know anything about you. I do, however, know your boyfriend.

I met him a few months ago at work. He came up to me, introduced himself, and said I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. And I, of course, was flattered that a man as handsome as he was interested in me.

He started to visit me at work on a daily basis and would pop up and surprise me on his days off. His visits made me happy. The laughing, touching, and flirting increased as the days passed. Our chemistry was electrifying!

So it was no surprise that I gave him my number when he asked for it. He told me not to message him at night, and that's when the red flags came up. "Do you have a girlfriend?" I asked, "Because if you do I don't want to get involved."

He looked up from his phone, grinned, and said "I do have a girlfriend but why should that matter? Just because I'm in a relationship doesn't mean I can't have fun with you."

The minute those words left his lips all feelings I had for him were gone, and instead, were replaced with repulsion and disgust. Had I known he was in a relationship I wouldn't have entertained him. Please know that after he told me you existed I cut all contact with him. I told him to leave me alone because I was not interested in seeing a man who had a girlfriend.

He stayed away for a month. I was relieved. December came and so did he. Again, he turned the charm on and asked if I was interested in sleeping with him. I asked if he was still seeing you. He said yes but wanted me to hear him out.

"I have a girlfriend but I want you so badly. We can text through WhatsApp that way she won't be able to read any of our messages. If you want to hookup we can do it at my place when she's not home, but you have to moan quietly so no one hears you. The things I want to do with you...just please, forget about her," he said.

Know that I did not do anything with him and turned him away both times and will turn him away again if he comes back. I wish I knew who you were so I could personally warn you about the man you are dating. You deserve to be with a man who has eyes for no one but you, who cherishes you, and treats you like the jewel that you are. I am sure I'm not the first woman he has tried to cheat on you with and I know I won't be the last.

Dear whoever you are, know that I respect relationships and would never hurt another because of lust. I am not a home wrecker, nor do I want to be one. Beautiful Woman, you deserve so much more.

He does not respect you, he does not value your relationship, he does not deserve you. You can do better.